When I was born, the doctor pulled me out and I wasn't breathing, so he slapped my butt. Oh wait, that was my face.
I am a 31-year old father of 3 girls. There is enough estrogen flowing in this house that I've started growing boobs. My wife is Liz...part Greek, part wild stallion, professional kindergartner (she scrapbooks for a living). She thinks I have A.D.D because I have a hard time paying attens I really like amphibians. But enough about her. Here's all you really need to know about me.
- I get nervous around venomous snakes and women with extremely square jaw-lines.
- I'm pretty good at jumping up and slapping the tops of doorways.
- I like to point out dogs in the back of trucks to everyone else in the car.
- I like to point out dogs in the back of trucks to everyone else in the car.
- I always pass on the first 3-4 toothpicks from a restaurant toothpick dispenser, because, you know...AIDS.
- I'm pretty good at giving unsolicited Skee-Ball technique advice to kids at Chuckie Cheese.
- I'm the G.I. Joe of scolding random children running in the streets barefoot.
- If I'm in the car behind you and you're driving 5mph UNDER the speed limit, I'll probably give 2-3 frustrated looks down at my speedometer and then look back up at you.
- I stop at EVERY lemonade slash Kool-Aid stand I see to support young entrepreneurs. And if they don't have an actual business license and food-handlers permit, busted.
- Every time I write a check, I make sure to draw the loop on the "y" ALL the way across the bottom of the check, as in "Five Dollars and 19 Cents Onlyyyyyyyyyyyyyy". Sure the grocery store cashier might *look* like an innocent 15 year old kid, but I know he's just another front-man for a Belgium identity theft ring.
- My chin slants to the right, and if anyone here calls me "Slanty" I'll go postal.
- I was supposed to be in my 9th season of playing professional baseball right now, but instead I work on a computer all day. Take. that. Coach.
I started a blog to give myself a place to write the stupid things that come into my head, so I can free up brain space for more important thoughts like "why did every kid on 'Where in the World is Carmen San Diego?' point to the wrong camera when they yelled, "Do it Rockapella!"?
That's as much as you need to know for now.
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