Wednesday, March 28, 2012

Hunger Games the movie review: A movie review

I went and saw "Hunger Games: the Movie, Not the Book" last night with my wife. This is the season's hottest movie, basically the JC Penny's summer swimsuit release of movies. Have you seen the new JCP commercials with Ellen D? They make me want to pour lamp-oil into my eyes and light them on fire. One things for sure, I can't WAIT for hot deals on latest fashions at the J-Cee-Pee, and with their new no-nonsense return policy, I'm way amped to pick up some Levi Silvertab jean shorts or maybe a nice Kangol golf hat. I liked Hunger Games, and if you're really into seeing teenagers murder eachother (and I am) then this movie is for you. Actually I'd be willing to stake my writing career (started 143 words ago) that this movie might just be the best book-turned-movie released about teenagers killing eachother in a forest starring Lenny Kravits so far this year. There, I said it.

I bet people who read the book feel pretty stupid for wasting all that time now there's a cool movie about it. Books are dumb. Just different combinations of the same 26-words (LAME). Sometimes I'll accidentally pull a book out to read then like 2 or 3 sentences into it I'm like "WAIT A SECOND THIS ISN'T TV" then I throw the book into the blades of my helicopter. So anyways, I went and saw Hunger Games and here are some words.

The movie takes place in 1987 rural Pennsylvanian Amish land where Catniss (great job mom & dad on that one) lives with her sister Primrose (WTF) and their mom who is not hot at all. Cinematically it was moving. Rookie Director of Photography Muhammad Ali did his best to keep the camera steady. Only 27 audience members threw up. Yuck!

The story begins with Catniss walking to the woods and finding that electric fence in Jurassic Park that's not working because Dennis Nedry is trying to steal Velociraptor zygotes for Dobson. Catniss sees a deer and pulls out her bow and arrow to shoot it, but her friend jumps out and scares off the deer because even though they all starve daily, he's the town jokester LOL!! They sit on a hill and talk (boring) and don't see any dinosaurs (more boring) and that's when I went to refill my Dr. Pepper.

So then all the teens dress up in their best Old Navy pastels for the "Reaping" where we meet the cops who look like Storm Troopers and Avery from 30-Rock dressed like a gay Amadeus Mozart to pick the 2 "Tributes". Prim is all scared she's gonna be picked (spoiler alert!...I just saw a 98 Honda Civic with a spoiler, carry on) and Cat's like "Don't be scared" all stone-cold and I really felt Prim shouldn't be scared cuz Cat's emotion was so realistic and Oscar-worthy NOT. Anyways, Prim gets picked, Cat volunteers, and they get on Donald Trump's train and head to the Capitol.

The people at the Capitol are really cool. Everyone's dressed like Japanese Hello Kitty teenage girls, except they're all flamboyantly gay white people. It's great to know that in the future, everyone will look like Boy George. YES!

The fight begins after Lenny Kravitz tells Catniss "I'd bet on you", which ranks up as at least top 3 most motivational speeches ever given before someone is about to get killed. Lenny K has always been a calming influence on the almost-dead. If I'm ever about to face 23 blood-thirsty teens (like at Hot Topic or something) I hope LK is in MY corner, you guys.

So the horn sounds and everyone runs for weapons and stuff and the younger Ivan Drago/Steve Holt from Arrested Development guy chops a few teen down in a non-bloody mess. Catniss take a backpack and runs into the forest, probably looking for advice from the Ents. (see My favorite parts of act 2: Catniss runs away from Steve Holt and his psycho-kid gang are as follows:

-Willow Smith gets a spear chucked in her chest and is like..."uh-oh, I'm probably gonna die from this" and guess what? SHE DOES.

-There's genetically engineered wasps that sting you with LSD.

-The parachutes that bring Icy-Hot that cures 3rd degree burns in instantly.

-Steve Holt gets ticked at the kid who let Catnip blow their shiz up so he breaks his neck. "STEVE HOLT!"

-Peter, the dude from District 12 who throws bread to pigs in the rain for fun, gets hurt and so he pulls out his Hollywood make-up artistry bag from inside his sock and paints himself into the foliage, kind of like the guy on When a Stranger Calls, except Peter ISN'T wearing a thong (spoiler alert.)

-I like when the part when the director was like "this is BORING, let's go 'The Truman Show' now" and they start causing fires and burning the wet forest down to chase Catniss back to the teen killers.

In the end, Catniss and Peter survive the dogs that are slightly slower runners than humans, kill Steve Holt, and win the Hunger Games. But Donald Sutherland does NOT look happy. He actually looks old and bloated. Top of my head, I'm guessing his ginko-balboa levels are too low.

Stand out performances from drunk Woody Harrelson with terrible hair who's coming off an Oscar-worthy performance as "blind meat salesman" from 7 Pounds who also leads children choirs. The movie lacked depth like a kiddie pool. I've seen better character development in an R. Kelly music video. (see "Locked in the Closet")

Overall, I give Hunger Games "2.5 out of 4 Thumbs". I only have 2 thumbs, so I cut off half a thumb off my this guy I met (Half-Thumb Rick, we call him) at a Toad the Wet Sprocket concert.

Thank you for your attention.

Thursday, September 2, 2010

September 30

My neighbor has a great business.

He buys cars that don't work, and then parks them on the street to decrease his home's resale value.